Cold hands, warm shart.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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