Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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