i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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