She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
