I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
