I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
