the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
