I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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