we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
