I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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