I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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