K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
