He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
