i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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