walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
