i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
