watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
