Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
