you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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