Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
