Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
