I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
