I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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