i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
