john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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