It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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