You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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