ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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