Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
After tacos, we're chasing women.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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