My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
