Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he thought i was a dude.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
