Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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