This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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