I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
