If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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