I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
