I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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