I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
