Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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