I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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