he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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