so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
