I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
