I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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