I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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