walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
