She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
