I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
