I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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