he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
