Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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