I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
