It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
