If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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