funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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