The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
